Digging Into Me

hardandclearI read through my blog recently and realized that I’ve sort of shut down on you guys a bit lately. I share things about myself all the time, clearly. This is a personal blog, after all. But I’ve been keeping it surface level lately, especially in the relationship arena.

I’ve been really grappling with something lately. I’ve been trying to figure out how I’ve spent the better part of my adult life in relationships that don’t have the ability to give me what I want and need – in relationships with men who aren’t really, fully available to me.

After spending months looking inward, I now know that marriage and kids are things I’ve always wanted. I just didn’t allow myself to realize it because I was too wrapped up in relationships that I wanted SO badly to work.

First was the man who would have been an unwise choice for a husband and father. Then a man who flat out told me marriage and kids were off the table. Next, a man who had potential, but a lot to figure out first. Lastly, a man who would be a great husband, but wants nothing to do with the father part. All of them have taught me invaluable things about myself, but all of them have been less than fully available to me.

I’m weary of this, but I’m taking ownership of the situation – finding my part in it. Acceptance is the first step, right? Basically, I need to listen better. I fully believe that people will tell you (either in clear terms or more guarded) who they are and what you can expect. All you have to do is listen.

I met a man the other night that I found intriguing and attractive. Everything about him screamed, “Annie’s type!” But maybe Annie’s type is part of the problem. As the night wore on and we talked more, he stated, quite clearly, that his life is messy right now and that I can do better. In the past I would have poo-pooed that thinking, “He just needs someone who’s understanding and patient.” The new me, the me that’s trying to listen and be my own advocate for what I want, said, literally, “Okay. Nice to meet you. Take care.” And I walked off.

I’m learning…

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13 Comments

  1. mkesling63

     /  June 19, 2013

    Good for you! Tell them all to fix their lifes themselves before the hate you for doing it for them.

    Reply
    • Such a valid point! I never thought of it that way…

      Reply
      • mkesling63

         /  June 19, 2013

        It is that way. I divorced 2 of them. The first finally let go after months taking his revenge out on my brother. The second is actually going to die refusing to admit it. He joined government corruption to refuse something he could have just kept quite. However, he does know me. I just could not leave him and achieve. Then his lies show. It takes more then a little power to put me down. Don’t let any man hand you this load of shit. Sex with adult dependants sucks too.

      • Huh. Good lessons all around!

      • mkesling63

         /  June 19, 2013

        I hope they all become lessons and not something to live. Always better to stay a great example of what not to do.That is why all preach education.

      • I’m definitely working to learn the lessons – mine and others as well!

  2. Good for you!

    Reply
  3. Yes to learning! Have to say I had some of the same realizations over the last couple years and decided to leap out of the “my type” box. I never would of dated the person I found outside this box previously, but have to say I have been blown away with all that this new relationship has to offer. No going back now that I know what is possible.

    Reply
    • That’s a great endorsement, Adrienne, for casting a wider net. I think I need to open my eyes a bit more to all that’s out there…

      Reply
  4. Ma

     /  June 19, 2013

    I am so sad and so happy for you – all at the same time.
    You are a glowworm ~

    Reply
  5. kbaymarine

     /  June 26, 2013

    Insightful yet flattering :)

    Reply

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