#Reverb12 – Look

{Just as I have for the past two years, for the month of December I’m participating in #reverb12 – an online initiative that prompts people to reflect on the past year and look towards the new one. I may not follow every prompt found here or here but will, rather, pick the ones that seem most interesting to me.}

Prompt for December 20th: Look – Sometimes you are left standing on the outside looking in.  As you stood there, on the other side of the glass, were you thankful for the boundary?  Or do you wish you could’ve been on the action-side?

The state of my neck/body for most of this past year and the boundary it creates is how this prompt is most applicable to me. And no, I’ve not been thankful for the boundary.

That boundary kept me from camping this summer (I couldn’t even conceive of sleeping on the ground, camp pad or not). It kept me from 4-wheeling at all (sometimes the drive is rougher than I can handle). And it kept me from getting outside and hiking more than a couple times (something about carrying a pack – even one just full of a few snacks and about 48 ounces of water – caused searing headaches).

If the tone above is unclear, this boundary really pisses me off and makes me a tad bitter. But I’ve been working really hard on that. And, in all honesty, I don’t really bitch too much about it or, really, even talk too much about it anymore. There’s no point. It doesn’t help anything to do so. As a good friend says, “It is what it is.” And he’s so right. I’ve done all I can do about it and I continue to take the best possible care of myself that I can. I can’t do anymore than that other than put on my big girl panties and just keep marching.

#Reverb12 – Lost & Found

{Just as I have for the past two years, for the month of December I’m participating in #reverb12 – an online initiative that prompts people to reflect on the past year and look towards the new one. I may not follow every prompt found here or here but will, rather, pick the ones that seem most interesting to me.}

Prompt for December 20th: Lost & Found – What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?

I could go all ethereal and philosophic on this one, which I assume is the intention behind the question, but I’m going to go very literal as the timing for this prompt is just too damned ironic.

I just lost my ring. For those who know me well, this is the HUGE silver ring I’ve worn pretty much daily for the last seven years. Yeah, that one. If I’m not wearing gold, it’s a pretty good bet that I have this sucker on.

I wore it on Tuesday and thought, as I took it off for a workout, “Man, if I ever loose this ring, I’m going to be so bummed.” Jinx! And then I went to see my crazy acutonics lady, Sylvia, that night. As I was waiting for my session to start I noticed how hot it was on my finger. I mean HOT! That’s the thing about this ring. It’s so warm and perfect on my finger – like it’s a part of my body.

When I got home later that night and went to get undressed I realized the ring was no longer on my finger. So, I had it on at Sylvia’s and then I didn’t have it on when I went to take it off for the day. What happened between those two events, I have no clue.

Sessions with Sylvia are like an out-of-body experience so anything is possible. For example, did it start to feel too hot so I chucked it across the room? Did the ring become like Can o’ Beans in Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins and sprout wings and fly off? Is it in a fifth dimension giggling at me and this funny prank? “Ah, stupid human! Here I am, but you can only perceive three dimensions! Joke is on you.” Is it lost in a wrinkle in the matrix, sitting in it’s normal spot on my dresser, but I just can’t see it right now?

I’ve torn my house and my car apart. I’ve gone and searched the sidewalk and street outside of Sylvia’s house. She’s been hunting as well. It’s vanished.

I bought this ring after breaking up with my fiance (the ex before the ex-manfriend). Maybe it’s served its purpose. Maybe it’s time for a new ring. The deal is, I don’t want a new ring. I want that one back. Now, please!

Here’s what I predict: Sylvia or I will find it again. About two years from now it will show up in the most unlikely spot imaginable. But as for what I hope to find in 2013, this ring is surely on the list. Good lord. Humans and their attachments to inanimate objects. Ridiculous, I tell you.

UPDATE: I found my ring! It was in my yard. There’s no reasonable explanation for how it got there (I’ll not bore you with the details of why it’s unreasonable). Yay!

#Reverb12 – Nourish

{Just as I have for the past two years, for the month of December I’m participating in #reverb12 – an online initiative that prompts people to reflect on the past year and look towards the new one. I may not follow every prompt found here or here but will, rather, pick the ones that seem most interesting to me.}

Prompt for December 19th: Nourish – How did you nourish your beautiful body in 2012? What self-care practices will you take with you into 2013?

I’ve not been great about keeping up with Reverb this year and that’s because I find most of the prompts to be kind of lacking, honestly. On top of that, most of the prompts would lead me to talking about two topics that I’m sure we’re all bored to tears with – neck surgery and my break-up. Gag. Over it.

But I’m going to force myself to following along with a few more of these because they do help me to dig a bit deeper and look back, which can be a good thing.

I did a lot to nourish myself this year:

  • I’ve eaten a lot of good food (and by good I mean good for you, which can be even more tasty than the stuff that most people normally refer to as “good”).
  • I’ve worked out a bunch and gained a respect for my body I’ve maybe not ever had before.
  • I’ve nurtured some really good relationships.
  • I’ve become true to myself and honest about what I want from life, which nourishes me in a way that I didn’t imagine.
  • I’ve had plenty of time to myself, which isn’t always easy or comfortable for me but nourishing nonetheless.
  • I’ve accepted new people into my life who are teaching me a lot about myself and what’s most important to me.

As for what I’ll take with me into 2013…all of these things above. And I’m pretty sure I’ll find new and interesting ways to nourish myself as well. It’s all an ongoing process, right?

#Reverb12 – Learning

{Just as I have for the past two years, for the month of December I’m participating in #reverb12 – an online initiative that prompts people to reflect on the past year and look towards the new one. I may not follow every prompt found here or here but will, rather, pick the ones that seem most interesting to me.}

Prompt for December 14th: Learning – What was the most important thing you learned in 2012?

I think the most important thing I learned in 2012 is that I have an amazing support system around me and that it’s okay to ask for and take their help and support.

I had a few occasions to test this out what with surgery and breakups and moving and such fun. Throughout all of that I had plenty of friends, coworkers, and family who stepped up to the plate and helped me out in many ways.

The biggest lesson in all of that, though, was accepting their help. I’m not always great about asking for help or accepting it when it’s offered. I mean, it’s not an issue with little things but when it comes to big things like someone taking care of me when I’m sick, or helping me move, or comforting me when I’m upset, I struggle. Often times I feel like people say, “Let me know if I can help,” without really meaning it. Or at least that’s my perspective. But I decided that if anyone was crazy enough to offer, I was going to step outside of my comfort zone and accept.

Despite all of the practice I’ve had in the past year, I can’t say that it’s a whole lot easier for me to accept or ask for help. However, I can say that the gratitude doing so allowed me to feel for the people I care about, and who so clearly care for me, has been a blessing.

#Reverb12 – Emotion

{Just as I have for the past two years, for the month of December I’m participating in #reverb12 – an online initiative that prompts people to reflect on the past year and look towards the new one. I may not follow every prompt found here or here but will, rather, pick the ones that seem most interesting to me.}

Prompt for December 12th: Emotion – What were your most intense emotions?

When I read this prompt I seriously considered just skipping it. And then I thought about why I wanted to skip it. The reason being is that answering it makes me uncomfortable. The fact that it makes me uncomfortable is precisely why I should answer it.

***

Happiness: There’s been plenty to smile and be happy about. New little people in my life like Landon and Farrah. Burgeoning relationships with others that make me glow. Spending time with loved ones and friends, building-on and deepening those long-standing relationships. Periods of time when the pain in my body isn’t at the forefront of my mind. Building strength within myself in many ways – emotionally, physically, and so on.

Fear: I had to confront fear in several ways this past year. Making the decision to have neck surgery was fraught with fear. Fear of the procedure, fear of the pain afterwards, fear that I would make the wrong decision. And then there was the fear around telling the ex-manfriend about my decision that I want children. Of course, that lead to fear around the end of that relationship and all the upheaval it would cause for both of us.

***

Tears: I’ve shed many in the past year. Both in happiness and sadness. At one point I remember thinking, as tears streamed down my face and pooled beneath my chin, as I, literally, choked on them, “When is the last time I cried this hard? Can I even remember? It must have been a very long time ago.”

Crying is a funny thing. As children, we just let loose. And then, somewhere along the way, we learn that’s inappropriate, or some stupid thing like that. Usually when I start to cry, I bottle it up pretty quickly. I think most of us do – afraid it will spiral into something deemed pathetic or weak. But in the past year I’ve decided to just let the tears flow – to just let whatever emotion is behind them to find its way out. And it’s been really cathartic and healing.

Laughter: There’s been so much to laugh about. I’ve laughed in happiness and incredulously about pain and through sadness and in irony. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve not been able to take a breath.

***

Well, that wasn’t so hard. It’s funny how emotions seem to balance each other out. What I’ve learned in writing this is that it’s been a really full year. There are plenty of reasons why this year has kicked my ass. But there are also plenty of reasons why it’s been rich in happiness as well.

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